learning curve

i've always been a sucker for new years resolutions.  i know lots of people think they are futile, but for me the idea of corporate change and accountability somehow motivates me.  this year was no different.

i typically try to focus on one or two things.  sometimes they are small, like not eating sweets during the day and gorging all night long.  other times i get more serious, more deep. this year my main resolution has been to be a better parent.

it wasn't long ago that b and i were mostly the same.  granted he's always been insanely smarter than myself-- evidenced by the fact that i still don't care know what a mechanical engineer is.  but when we first met, we were fumbling our way through college... we had similar enough goals and ideas about life and really had had a lot of the same life experiences.  for instance, back then we both thought that planning a trip to the UK over spring break was not only a great idea, but that we should fund the said trip by filing our taxes online (which then led to being banned from online filing for the next two years due to some discrepancy about paperwork.  tomatos, tomatoes. all i knew was that we each miraculously had $300 and some change in our account after hitting 'file.'  and really who would have thought this whole concept of 'e-filing' would really take off?)  needless to say, this idea to whimsically file online and not follow up was my idea, but the point is was that b conceded to it.  something i know he would never do now.

fast forward 12 years and b has not only become a partner at his firm, but he also has acronyms at the end of his name and listens to podcasts from harvard business school!  fast forward 12 years for me, and i haven't worked one day in my degree and my idea of intellectual stimulation is the amazing writers of 30 rock.  the point i'm trying to drive in is that brandon is really, really good at his job.  can you see where this is going?

its hard for me to even get in the space of 'my job' as being a stay at home mom.  i don't typically like the conversations i hear about it, and if i'm honest i always preface my title with a just in front of it.  i've heard all the racket about how stay at home mom's have 'the most important jobs' and 'we are raising the next generation' and 'what a privilege and honor it is to stay at home.'  i will concede that all of these are very true.  especially the bit about it being a privilege to stay home.  i don't say it nearly enough, but seriously not a day goes by where i don't thank god for being able to do what i do with, and for my family.  i find it frustrating that society is so two-faced about it.  on one hand it seems as though my job is very prestigious and esteemed, yet  every day i feel like i'm barely making a difference... barely affecting my kids the way i should be... barely able to do the mundane tasks i'm called to.  i'm frustrated that i always put that 'just' in front of my title.

so instead of settling for mediocrity in it all... i decided this year my new years resolution was to be really, really good at my job.  god has called me to be a mother and a wife.  first.  first before my email, first before the spin class i'm dying to take, first before talking on the phone with my friends, and first before my bad ass (second) career as the greatest realtor around.

thankfully my first step was to do something i do pretty ding dang good... read.  i started digging in to some of the great parenting books.  however, i started to realize that while they all seem great while i was reading them, before the dust even settled on the pages i'd already forgotten all the magic they held.  i don't know why it took me so long to realize that i really needed jesus to be a better parent.  how quickly i forget.  before i became a christian i tried and failed miserably to change.  i tried to quit partying so much, fail.  i tried to not be so insecure, fail.  i tried to not be gossipy and jealous, fail.  it wasn't like my coming to faith made me perfect by any means, but by the power of the holy spirit i really began to see change in my behaviors and thinking.  i can't tell you how freeing it was.

perhaps my biggest motivator and also biggest failure was realizing that my ideas about success in my job were contingent on the behavior of my children.  i was starting to see things that i really didn't like in the way they were turning out. parenting was getting harder instead of easier.  i felt like i was doing my best but wasn't getting the results i wanted.  unlike my husband, his success led to pay raises, a better car, daily pats on the back.  my success's were measured in potty training, sleeping through the night and good manners but my failures were like a slap in the face with every temper tantrum, bad attitude, and bratty behavior.  in my quest for knowledge b and i took a parenting class through our church.  there was soooo much good stuff in it, but the one thing that really struck me more than any of it was one simple, obvious statement.


you are raising imperfect children to become imperfect adults.

duh, right?  i couldn't believe i had never realized this.  i can't tell you how embarrassing and humbling it was to realize that i might have been trying to raise perfect people.  i mean, i know they aren't perfect but i think i honestly thought they might be if i just tried a little harder or did something a little different.  i wasn't able to understand that kids do kid things.  they blow it all the time.. just like me.   that little bitty undeniable sentence set me free in a way that no book has come close to.  for the first time in a long time i felt a freedom that allowed me to do my very best but not let the outcome affect my efforts.


so you need jesus to be a better parent? i need jesus for everything.  but yes, i am realizing i  have to be more prayerful.  i have to be around people that are seeking the same outcome i am.  i have to seek out moms that take their calling as a mom and a wife as their highest priority.  i need to talk it out and be held accountable.  and really, more than anything, i need the time each day to heal my own heart and search out my own shortcomings by humbly coming before the god i love and asking for forgiveness and assistance.  for the first time in my life i really feel like i'm understanding dependence on him in a way i haven't yet known.  and instead of feeling frantic, i feel free.  free to finally be the mom and wife that will be glorifying to my god and have that be enough.  cuz nothing is more worth that sacrifice than these faces:

v is for many things.

so this valentines day i really wanted to do it up right.  being married 10 years this october kinda makes us pretty big time.  either that or i realized we have found ourselves in a new place.  not newlyweds where every day is v-day (wink wink), and not new baby days where all both of you care about is the baby getting some sleep, and lastly, 10 years of marriage, means 10 years of not being divorced.  10 years means we've definitely had our ups and downs and we don't have the excuse of being burdened by small kids anymore, yet at the same time we don't have the fire that comes with being newly married.  it could almost feel like an okay opportunity for some apathetic contentment (cuz thats a real condition i just made up-- mostly cuz its quite possible it's what i've been living for for quite some time now).  if i'm completely honest, the lack of intensity in our marriage comes from being comfortable in a lot of ways. b has a great job, i get to stay home, all of our financial needs are met and even some of our wants.  all of us are healthy, and though the kids make us crazy, they are healthy and thriving.  we really have so much to be thankful for and therein lies the rub.  thankful can often times mean complacent.
so when the night before valentines day came around and i was chatting with lealah and coco about our plans, i found myself super excited for what coco had planned.  it was just a simple dinner for the most part, except hearing her describe her dress, her smokin hot wig, her sweet card and her 'stage' name (moana shiftwell), i realized i needed to up my game.
so what better way to up your game then going to a place you haven't been in years....  the small space you've reserved in the last drawer  in the way back corner of your dresser... you know where i'm talking about ladies... your lingerie spot.  as i fumbled my way there i was reminded of what a road less traveled it was.  of course we were totally running late and i had like 3 minutes which is 2 minutes more that usual to get ready, so i had this crazy idea (and no i hadn't even been drinking yet) to wear some lingerie under my dinner clothes.  for some reason i had this vision of it peeking out and 'whet'-ing the appetite...  well, peeking out it did.  i tried to find my raciest number circa 2002 (yes, something i got for my bridal shower)  and after wasting 2.5 of my 3 minutes trying to fasten all 50 hooks, i realized it was eventually supposed to attach to something... like some sexy underwear or something (which it probably came with 10 years ago, but is long since gone).  there is probably a name for this type of lingerie, but clearly i'm out of the game.  so i kind of gather the hanging straps and tuck them in my jeans... thus creating a bulging on many levels.  the first level was apparant when i finally exhaled.  see, appparantly my rib cage (not whats on the outside of my ribs unfortunately) has grown several inches since i was 23.  so where the lingeire stopped,  my stomach bulged out.  i seriously looked 4 months pregnant.  that combined with the sheerly ridiculous amount of lace made me look like i had a bunch of gum wrappers wadded up in my tank top on top of my second trimester belly.  needless to say, i kept my jacket on the entire evening.
dinner itself was pleasent enough.  we enjoyed halibut, soup, salad and bottle of wild horse merlot.  we talked about  how much we loved each other and how we couldn't wait to rip each others clothes off.  haha, you didn't really believe that did you?  have you already forgotten we have been married 10 years...
we talked about the kids for longer than we should have... we talked about how some of our friends were doing. i bored him with the details of the latest 'best book ever' i was reading, and he tried his best to engage me on what was happening at work.  it was a lot like a typical evening except we didn't have 3 little hyena's competing for out attention.
as the night went on, i kept trying to think of ways to convey my sexy underparts.  i kinda felt like a mormon with my holy garments, except mine were way sexier and i can have sex whenever i want.  yet when we finally paid our bill and made our way out to the car, i was to tired and full to show anything off.  needless to say by the time we walked in the door we weren't exactly ripping each others clothes off.  so... now was my moment, right? as we went upstairs, b went into the bathroom and i began to unveil my sexiness... and let me tell you, what a night it was!  it ended with the best most amazing fireworks a girl could ask for:  we fell asleep cuddling, but not before my husband told me how incredibly happy and thankful he was to have me has his wife.
i know what you're thinking, so hot right?!  because in the mind of a woman, cuddling and words of affirmation trumps any wild night anyday.. 10 years or not!
all this to say, it will be hard to top next year... but instead of waiting one year to go back to the recesses of my dresser, i'm going to try really hard to nip this apathetic contentment in the booty, and actually put lingerie on at least once before next v-day.  baby steps ladies.  lets do it for our dudes, lord knows they deserve more.

i just called to say i love you....

i'm really not even sure where to begin.

when i went to type in holdmama,  my computer could barely remember the website-- either that or att was being ridiculously slow as always-- but whatever the case, its been that long.

so you are probably wondering, and hoping for something uh-mazing right now. well keep on hopin, obama style.  i got all kinds of riff raff floating around this head of mine, yet its been so long i don't even know where to begin.

i think i'll start with some excuses as to why my last post was on nov 16.  for starters it was the holidays.  and besides being super pumped for jesus birthday, i like to take a good solid month to attend as many holiday parties as possible and eat and drink as much crap as i like.  its kinda how i celebrate.  but in all honesty, i really really love that time of year and this year i apparently couldn't be bothered to actually take the time to write something.
what else... oh well the whole 3 kids thing.  yeah, that's actually proving to be much more difficult than ever.  the realization that i don't have 3 babies anymore is really starting to hit me.  there are like 3 little obnoxious bodies constantly chirping away in my ear and fighting to climb all over me, and mostly just busy making doing anything but wiping butts, noses, and being a short order cook impossible.  did i mention they are as adorable as heaven itself and i wouldn't trade them for a million billion pesos?!  regardless, they are becoming increasing real with their endless wants and needs.  i've even been thinking real adult responsible thoughts like, 'how are we going to send 3, 4 kids to college?'  'how much did you say braces would be?' and 'lord have mercy on me i will one day have 2 teenage daughters.'  real stressful stuff people.

which leads me to my next update.  this is a favorite of mine and all of yours too as i have been questioned a lot about it lately.  so with that said, 'what exactly is going on with your adoption?'
well, not much.  however, not much in a good way.  we will have been waiting 1 year come march 23rd.  last time i spoke with our agency (at 6 months waiting) they informed me that things are still moving along - as in the country is still open-- but there have been so many new laws and changes being enforced-- all good stuff for the kids themselves, but means it takes longer for us.  however its totally worth it, because it ensures the safety of the kids, which is of utmost importance in my book.  at this point we are praying and hoping for a referral  (ie a picture/file on a child matching our criteria which is *healthy* boy under the age of 2) come summer.  at that point we will decide- who am i kidding-- there is nothing to decide, we will leap for joy and begin to prepare to be a family of 6.  it will then be anywhere from 4-8 months before we actually bring him home (we have to travel to ethiopia twice).  i plan to call our agency sometime in march to double check this timeline, cuz if there is one thing i've learned in this process, its that every situation is different.  there is no 'typical' experience.  in the meantime, the kids will continue to talk about and pray for him and count the minutes til he graces our lives.  thankfully for me and b the 3 we have now leave us little time to ache for him.  its more of a budding excitement at this point.  i reckon once we have his picture, we will be absolutely ruined until he's actually in our arms.

so you love christmas, you are busy with your 3 kids, you don't have a fourth yet, and.... it sounds like you are a bit lazy?  nailed it.  i have been a reading machine lately.  every spare minute i have which totals like 13 in one day, my head is buried in my kindle.  i have read some amazing books these last few months.  literature will never cease to amaze and completely humble me.  why are there so many amazing writers out there?  it truly never gets old. to help you get on track, here is a few must reads:

peace like a river  by leif enger
the history of love by nicole krauss
rules of civility by amor towles
lit by mary karr
extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer
the tiger's wife by tea obreht
state of wonder by ann patchett

just to name a few.  there have been many more, but those are my top picks as of late.

when i'm not reading, or scheming ways to get away from my kids, i have been so incredibly fortunate to be spending lots of time with my dear friends.  one of which i recently wrote a blog about.  many of you know her personally, but many others i know don't know her and have been praying for her.  so i wanted to take a minute to update you on her so you can keep on praying!!!  coco is doing amazing for all intensive purposes.  she humbles me daily with her faith and love for jesus.  she literally cannot get enough of him.  i have learned more from her 14 month walk with god then i have in years.  she spurs me on in the way that iron sharpens iron.  she makes me want to pray harder, hope fuller and love deeper.  she shines so bright considering her circumstances... which are still not what we want.  praise be to god that since the gamma knife radiation she got in seattle last summer, she has not had any new activity in her brain.  this is maj huge as she would say.  its a huge answer to sooooo many prayers and we give god all the glory for healing her.  however that stupid cancer has crept into her lungs and is being extremely stubborn.  she is currently undergoing chemotherapy once every 3 weeks with more grace than you could imagine.  she has lost almost all of her hair and suffers intermittently from many other side effects of the chemo.   but as i mentioned you would never know it when you see her big blue eyes smiling at almost everything around her, or the way she just radiates her love for her perfect baby girl.  when i find myself mad at god and wondering about the injustice of it all, i'm brought back down when i see the way that god shines through her.  she's a fighter and she's got the god of the universe in her corner, and really what more can you ask for.  she is teaching us all what it means to love and cherish your life in a way i've never known and for that i'm eternally indebted.

well, that's about all i've got for now.  i promise i'm going to try and be better at this.  i really want to tell you all about my valentines day cuz it was another relevatory evening of just how old i am.

oh and one more thing, if you could leave a comment on the blog itself instead of facebook it would mean so much to me... not every time - i know that's a lot to ask, but even just this once -- i need my ego stroked if i'm gonna keep this up.

and then you woke up and you were old.

its been sneaking up on me for awhile now.

for starters, i still own several pairs of flare jeans, and  its downright embarrassing wearing anything abercrombie.

you know. 

its when you look in the mirror and all you can see are wrinkles staring back at you.  i swear it wasn't even 5 years ago that it never even occurred to me i would have to think about having wrinkles.  now, i tear out those botox ads with a fervor  (not really, it was more for effect).

no matter how you slice it or dice it, i'm getting old people.

and there's nothing like living in SLO among beautiful college girls a night on the town to remind you just how old you are.

when lealah decided to have her birthday at sebastians or mission grill or native or whatever its called, i thought, okay-- downtown slo, time to step up my game. as in i might have to tear my lounge wear off and slap on the ol bra to make my appearance.  so i brought out my A game, a 'high and tight' black and white number i got in vegas last february.  as i was checkin myself out in the mirror before i left, i'll admit i was feelin pretty good.  college smollege.  i'll show those fine young thangs a thing or two what this ol coug can bring.

the night started off mellow.  after all, we were possibly the only people actually downtown in a bar before 10 pm.  we had a nice, mellow dinner and then made our way to the frog and peach.  now let me just remind you all that in my day i was no stranger to the downtown scene.  let's just say I'm pretty sure Jay Z was thinking of me when he wrote, 'i'm gonna run this town tonight.'  heck, back in the day, they knew my name at reggae night and 80's night at mothers... let's just say, the circle formed around my friend emily me if you know what i mean.  anyhoo, apparently times had changed cuz when we got to the frog and peach i realized a few things had changed... one of which wasn't that disgusting musty beer sweat mold smell that permeates from the bar, but what had changed was that i looked around and realized i was quite possibly the oldest person there... besides the friends i was with-- they are waaaaay older than me.  suddenly i started to feel really self conscious... it took everything in me not to ask the young college girl in the bathroom how old she thought i was... mostly cuz i probably would have started crying and then she'd laugh with her friends about how that old washed out mom was trying to get in touch with her younger days.  and although i overcame that, it didn't stop me and lealah from cornering a young bob dylan hipster sort of lad with a fake accent into telling us how old he thought we were.  when he said, 'i guess 30,' we were naturally very offended, cuz you know that was a conservative guess, i mean he probably thought we were 40!  how horrible is that?!  anyway, to spite his disinterest in us old bags, lealah mentioned to him that she used to be in a band (true) and that i had an incredible voice (false).  i then felt inclined to take it one step further and confess i made it to the 16th round of american idol'  (false). who wants to be my best friend now, regardless of my age???  you guessed it... little gyspsy hispster does.  he literally could not get enough of my stardom.  i played it super cool, told him it was a few years back, and i couldn't tell him much about it cuz of confidentiality agreements.   lealah graciously told him i literally had the voice of aretha franklin in a skinny white girls body (so false).  it was all fine and dandy til lealah left to talk to someone else and i was stuck with this tween all up in my grill. suddenly i couldn't go on with the lies when it was just me and him, so i abruptly left telling him my baby was crying or something...

after our rendezvous at the peach, we thought 'hey we're not getting any younger, why don't we go dancing?!'  cuz nothing says you are to old to be in a bar as breakin out the robot to songs you've never heard in your life.  however, it was at this juncture, that the night finally threw us a bone.  you see, we weren't old anymore....  cuz we saw this:

that's right, they are def 'in their 40's' dancing even worse than us and wearing light denim flare jeans with copious amounts of jeweled stitching (always a dead give away).  if the night had a redeemer it came in that sweet couple. it was shortly after this revelation, i realized my work here was done. i suddenly had an overwhelming urge to be in sweats on my couch eating ice cream with my husband.  if we hurried we could catch most of SNL... and get enough rest to enjoy the best part of every day... waking up to the 3 most beautiful babies in the world.  i guess it was then i realized getting old isn't so bad.  as much as i long for a wrinkle free face and a non grey haired head, i think the trade off is worth it if it means the dude taking me home that night makes really cute babies... which he does... very well i might add.

so downtown slo, i know it was just another night to you, but to me it was a huge awakening. although i don't still got it, thanks for showing me i actually have ALL i  need right here in sweet little los osos.

if i could turn back time

its funny how all of your kids are born your 'baby' and somehow each one of them retain that name regardless of their age or birth order.  all 3 of my kids are my baby... yet if i get right down to it, i actually do have a real baby.  many of you know her as the cutest baby in the world, and it pains me to say that that baby is turning 2.

she's actually trying to not be a baby anymore.

and that is probably the saddest thing in the whole world.

every morning when she comes into our bed i get anywhere from 30 seconds to up to 7.5 minutes next to her.  its a time where i'm transported back to those first few weeks with her.  a time where i literally could not get enough of the smell of her hair, the touch of her skin against mine and her big blues staring back at me.  a time where she was small enough that it wasn't to far fetched to lay her on my tummy and pretend she was back inside me.  there's nothing in this world that makes you feel as alive as having life within you.

some mornings she babbles non stop, other mornings she doesn't say a word.  in both instances i pray a quick prayer that if god could just put her back in my tummy or freeze time just this one day that i would never ask for anything else again.

i remember when i was so scared to have a second child.  i was so scared that i wouldn't be able to love him as much as my first.  i couldn't comprehend that god would double my love, not cut it in half.  surely bringing a third into the mix would really compromise the love, but instead i think he didn't just multiply it by 3, i think it got multiplied by 33.  my mind can barely grasp what will happen when number 4 fly's in.

so how can i sum up this final baby girl of ours?  i'll start by saying, her face will bring a smile to the hardest heart.  currently she is standing on top of a 6 ft ladder.  in so many ways, she's everything lily and ozzy are not.  she's outgoing, wants to be held by everyone, loves attention and praise and is actually really loud.  she can't sit still for more than 11 seconds, and literally has never even watched more than 8 minutes of television or a movie at one time.  i can't believe i ever even questioned having a third child.  she loves mornings alone with ozzy full of trampolines and slides, and adores afternoons full of babies and tea parties with lily.  she's the closest i've ever had to perfection.  i miss her when she naps, and giddily anticipate her arrival into our bed every morning.

i literally cannot get enough of her.

so if a picture is worth a thousand words.... here's 3 trillion for ya.

happy birthday baby girl.  you will always be my first and last.

for the love of coco

*** update***  thank you all so very much for praying.  if you're wondering if God has answered them, i would have to shout a resounding yes!  two weeks ago, coco had her first 'clean' head scan in over 18 months... its seriously crazy.  her words to describe the results were to beautiful not to post-- 'i arrived to the appointment wearing a long, bright red dress.  i figured it couldn't hurt to look hopeful.  i waited in my oncologist's office sitting on danny (her husband's) lap.  i sat anxiously awaiting, it had been a long time since he'd been able to give good news, so in some ways i was braced for the worst.  i heard him approaching and i turned to greet him as he paused in the doorway.  he looked up and said, 'well, i've got some good news.'  i literally fell to the floor weeping, red dress and all.  it was the best day i've had in a long time!'  so as you can imagine these last few weeks have been filled with incredible gratitude, humility and just downright thankfulness to the God who can and will heal!  coco is continuing her chemo, so please, please continue to pray for her.  she has these scans every few weeks, and though we won a battle, we have not won the war.  so please, again, i implore you keep on praying!  IT'S WORKING!!!



i have a friend who has cancer.  

i never knew i hated cancer so much.  but now i can tell you that with all my heart i hate it.  i hate what it is, where it came from, what it does to people who love those affected, and even more what it does to the people themselves.  i hate that they have to live in fear.  from scan to scan, from waiting room to waiting room, from specialist to specialist.  little do all these doctors and nurses know, that these cancer patients are hanging on every. single. word.  how its delivered, inflections in the voice, lack of or too much eye contact.  all of it they have to bundle up in a little package and leave.... only to unwrap and examine and analyze it until the next appointment.

my first recollection of her was a smiling face with a mess of curly blond hair.  she exuded a confidence and warmth that few people are blessed to be born with.   i knew her as danny's new girlfriend.  i knew she worked at slo brew, was a massage therapist and a whole barrel of laughs.  years went by and i would run into very sporadically.  at sushi, walking downtown, and then finally one day at our OB's office.  if i'd ever talked to her before i couldn't remember, but that sunny june day she told me she was due any day with their first.  a girl.  i was 4 months off from delivering my third, also a girl.  we congratulated each other and wished each other luck.  it wasn't until a few months later after i had settled into life with 3 that my friend erin called to tell me that there was something wrong with danny's wife's eye. 'like what?'  i asked innocently.  'like it might be cancer.  she has to have surgery.'  heavy i thought.  i'll pray for her.  and i did, but only a few times.

never in a million years would i have thought a year and a half later she would be one of my  very closest friends.  a girl i break bread with every monday night as we dig into god's word.  a girl i have fasted and prayed for with a fervor only god could give me.  a girl that inspires and humbles me in her insatiable hunger for all things jesus.  a girl who loves her own baby girl in a way that makes me shudder when i think of the ungratefulness i sometimes have with my own babies.  a girl that every day has to swim in a seemingly endless ocean of anxiety called what if.  she's 34 years old.  her daughter is 2.


after the thing with eye was straightened out we all felt relieved.  life went on for all of us until the next scan.  when they found tumors near her brain, everyone sobered up.  she emailed me out of the blue saying she knew i had a bible study and would we pray for her, and maybe could she come sometime.  i emailed her back and told her we already were praying and will continue too and yes, please come.  i didn't hear anything for another couple months.  the surgery had gone well, and radiation was to begin.  when it came back for the second time, lealah told me we needed to go to her.  we needed to lay hands on her and pray.

two weeks later, on new years day, we gathered in her home for a session of prayer i like i have never experienced.  we prayed and cried and repented and anointed one another for 3 hours straight. this was undoubtedly the stuff acts was made of.  this was surely what god has intended for us to do more than once in a lifetime. we prayed with all our hearts and i was sure god would heal her.  he didn't.  not yet anyway.  she died to herself that day and truly became alive in christ.  i rejoiced with her a few months later at her baptism.  when you see someone who needs jesus like we need air, you start to see the world a little differently.

the last few months have been a roller coaster of highs and lows.  more lows than highs and its getting harder. i feel satan wanting to crush my less than mustard seed.  i feel him infringing on my faith to move mountains and tumors.  i feel him suffocating me and suffocating her by depriving of us hope.   my friend has cancer.  but cancer doesn't have her.

so it's when we sit in the waiting room as she gets strapped to a table and waits as her tumors are ionized, and i'm barely able to keep from smashing the tv as hoda and kathie lee sample the latest sangria recipe that i know i'll just  have to grit my teeth.  i'll smile and i'll take her hand and walk into the sunshine, because today that's all we really have.  and for now, that's going to have to be enough.

whoever you are, wherever you are, please pray.  not just now, but every  single day.  please pray that god would heal coco.  once and for all.  and so when i post again about her healing you will know that you were part of that.  that god heard your prayers and petitions.  please, i beg you.  i know this can work.  for the love of coco, i implore you. pray.

let 'the help' help you.

unless you have been hiding under a rock for the last year, chances are you've either read or seen the movie, the help by kathryn stockett. i, like all my white mommy friends have read the book and really enjoyed it. i've yet to see the movie, but there's no doubt i will cry at the beauty and injustice of it all. this book is so much the rage that at least once a week i'll see someone post on fb, 'looking for a great book, any suggestions?' and nine times out of ten, the first comment is 'the help, i loved it!'
the more i'd see these fb posts and hear everyone talk about how great the book was, something in me started to rumble. maybe its just my inclination toward anti-social behavior, or maybe i started to really examine why everyone loved this book so damn much. i remembered enjoying reading it, i thought it was really well written, but best book ever?-- not by a long shot. with that being said, i want to emphasize my hesitation to 'criticize' the book itself. as a wannabe novelist, i can appreciate how extremely difficult it would be to put a book of that level together. it was entertaining, heart wrenching and just plain well-written. a page turner in a john grisham meets secret life of bees sort of way-- simple enough to follow, yet rich and complex in that it was about a subject matter i knew very little about.

as i began to wade through what was troubling me about everyone's enthusiasm about the book, i realized a few things. first off, i realized that it was a veiled way for us white women to take a stand against racism. hindsight is 20/20 and since all of us should know that treating african americans the way we did was totally and completely wrong, this is our opportunity to make it known that we would have been different. perhaps we would have been the 'skeeter' of the group. we would have known better. which is totally crap, and anyone who thinks differently is lying to themselves. or better put, in the words of my wise husband, 'i think it is odd and largely irrelevant for us to create a sense of empowerment for ourselves as it were with regard to how we would have been different…the ‘would have/should have/could have’ thought process, and discussion for that matter means absolutely nothing…unless we are simply seeking to delude ourselves. what matters is now—if our sentiments about that time can impact us now, then that is progress…if all we want to do is feign superiority over a time and people portrayed in a book we are more lost than found.'
boom.

what it comes down to is that the help is a simplistic way for us to look at racism in the past tense.  it allows us to become infuriated with what once was, when the reality is, the once was is really the 'still is,' more often than not.   a super duper smart blogger put it this way by comparing the help to a controversial cake she saw where there were two unicorns--the white unicorn was all pretty with rainbows fighting a black unicorn with flames all over it, 'You know why everyone is up in arms about a unicorn cake? Because it’s safe and it doesn’t mean anything. Because you can feign indignation about something as trivial as sugar and fondant. Because you get to create a distraction with a big old mess of a cake that has some “racially problematic imagery” and that right there is where your concern for and discussion of race end.  Keep talking about cake in the vacuum of mostly white communities. You’ve proven the old proverb wrong. Eat your cake, people. Down it to the last crumb. Tomorrow, you can have it again. Trust me. It will still be there. The racism, that is.  We can talk about race in a real way or we can talk about cake. I’m choosing the former.'

let me reiterate, i am no expert on race. in fact my experience is so incredibly limited. i am white (except when i try and be latino and everyone laughs at me), my husband is super white (if such a thing exists) and i have blond children which really seals the deal. i grew up in SLO which is like 95% white and have lived in only a handful of places, all of which boast similar statistics. the only thing i really have is the 5 formative years i spent with jon carter as my mom and i's housemate. it was then that i realized how alive racism still was, yes even in sweet little SLO.  it wasn't easy for me to write this blog, i knew it would likely piss off frustrate a lot of people.   but b reminded me when he said, 'you should totally blog about it.  people read your blog, we are going to have an ethiopian son. racial issues will be part of our life forever.' so with that said, i want to emphasize that i'm not faulting anyone for liking the book, i'm just trying to help myself and hopefully some of you recognize that there is a bigger issue at stake.  racism is still a huge problem and i want to be held accountable for what i am doing to aid in it, not just sit around and talk about in the past tense in the 'vacuum of my white community.'

thoughts?